WE'VE BEEN TO SEE DAD THIS MORNING.
STILL NOT AWAKEN... NOT REALLY.
BUT... HE IS THERE. I DON'T CARE WHAT THE DOCTOR SAID ABOUT 'REFLEXES'... THE DOCTOR WASN'T THERE AS WERE MY MOM AND I, SO HE DOESN'T HAVE THE TIME TO TELL THE DIFFERENCE, BESIDES, HE'S NOT US, NOT FAMILY. ONLY WE ARE FAMILY. AND IT REALLY MATTERS.
REMEMBER I SAID I HOLD HIS HAND AND TALK TO HIM? WELL, TODAY, HE'S BEEN GRIPPING MY HAND REPEATEDLY, MORE AND MORE FIRMLY AND FOR LONGER EACH TIME. ESPECIALLY AS I TALK TO HIM. AND I TELL HIM I LOVE HIM, ALWAYS HAVE, ALWAYS WILL. HE DEFINITELY HEARS ME. THAT'S WHY HE GRIPS MY HAND AS MUCH AS HE CAN. HE CANNOT TALK, WITH THE VENTILATOR TUBE AND ALL IN HIS MOUTH, BUT MAY HAVE BEEN TRYING.
WHEN MOM TALKS TO HIM, HE PAYS ATTENTION. SHE WAS GIVING HIM ONE HECKUVA PEP TALK AND HE ABSOLUTELY APPEARED TO BE FOCUSSING ON HER. HE WAS ACTUALLY OPENING HIS EYELIDS A LOT, SLOWLY, NATURALLY, HOLDING THEM OPEN... THAT WASN'T A 'REFLEX'- IT WAS CONSCIOUS CONTROL, OR AS MUCH AS HE HAS. HIS EYES, AS I WATCHED CLOSELY, WERE ACTUALLY LOOKING AROUND, LOOKING AT MOM AS SHE SPOKE. HE IS LOOKING AROUND, ACTUALLY- THAT ISN'T RANDOM EYE MOVEMENT. HE DOES KNOW WE'RE HERE AND KNOW WHO WE ARE.
THIS IS ALL NEW. HE HADN'T BEEN DOING ANY OF THESE THINGS UNTIL THIS MORNING.
UNFORTUNATELY, HOWEVER, WE'VE JUST LEARNED ABOUT THE RESULTS OF THE POSITRON EMISSION TOMOGRAPHY SCAN (TO ASSESS THE CURRENT NATURE AND STAGE OF HIS CANCER) HE HAD HAD TWO DAYS PRIOR TO THE HEART ATTACK.
THAT'S RIGHT. HE WAS RECENTLY DIAGNOSED WITH ESOPHAGEAL CANCER, A VERY NASTY, PAINFUL TYPE THAT PROGRESSES AGGRESSIVELY AND FOR WHICH SURVIVAL RATES ARE VERY LOW. THE PET SCAN TAKEN JUST ONE WEEK AGO SHOWED THAT THE CANCER HAD UNFORTUNATELY ALREADY SPREAD TO A LYMPH NODE. AND IT'S STILL SPREADING.
HE HAD ALREADY, PRIOR TO THE HEART ATTACK, BEEN EXPERIENCING NOT JUST DIFFICULTY EATING ANYTHING, BUT A GENERAL FEELING OF DISCOMFORT, AS I'VE NEVER SEEN BEFORE. HE CLEARLY UNDERSTOOD WHAT WAS GOING ON AND WHAT WAS COMING. (BUT KEPT ON GIVING ME THOSE WONDERFUL, REASSURING BRAVE SMILES! RIGHT FROM THE MOMENT I WAS FIRST TOLD ABOUT THE TERRIBLE DIAGNOSIS. THANKS, DAD! YOU GOT THE RIGHT ATTITUDE AND IT HELPS ME AS WELL!)
AND, YES, I UNDERSTOOD AS WELL, THOUGH I WAS HOPING FOR A MUCH BETTER PROGNOSIS, ONE INDICATING THAT THE CANCER WAS EARLY-STAGE AND THAT HE HAD A REAL CHANCE OF DEFEATING CANCER, BUT...
EVEN IF HE AWAKENS AND TALKS TO US, HE STILL DOESN'T HAVE LONG. THE CANCER IS TOO POWERFUL, AND, THROUGH NO FAULT OF HIS OWN WHATSOEVER, HE'S CURRENTLY APPARENTLY TOO WEAK TO GO THROUGH THE RADICAL SURGERY, CHEMOTHERAPY, THE EXCRUCIATING, RELENTLESS PAIN... HE DOESN'T WANT TO SIMPLY BE IN PAIN- HE MADE THAT CLEAR BEFORE. AND WHO CAN BLAME HIM? IF THE LORD HAS ALREADY MADE HIS DECISION, THEN IT'S OK TO BE COMFORTABLE AND WAIT HIS TURN, WHICH IS SOON, UNLESS THE LORD CHANGES HIS MIND.
IT'S CLEAR AT THIS POINT THAT THE LORD HAS ALMOST CERTAINLY MADE HIS DECISION. NOW THE TIMING IS UP TO THE LORD. IT'S NOT FOR DAD, NOR US, TO DECIDE.
WILL CONTINUE TO BE WITH DAD FOR SOME TIME, PROVIDING COMFORT. HE DID IT FOR ME... ALWAYS. ALWAYS. IT'S MY TURN TO RETURN THE LOVE, THE DEVOTION.
LISTEN, EVERYONE... WHATEVER YOU THINK YOU KNOW ABOUT LIFE, UNDERSTAND THAT THIS IS A REAL, UNDENIABLE PART OF LIFE. FAMILY MATTERS MOST. AND I AND MY FAMILY ARE DEFINITELY EMBARKING ON A GREAT REEVALUATION OF PRIORITIES, WILL BE MAKING ALL KINDS OF POSITIVE CHANGES WE SHOULD'VE ALL MADE LONG AGO. BUT NOW WE KNOW WE HAVE TO. THIS UNDERSTANDING AND KNOWLEDGE IS A GIFT FROM DAD. HIS GREATEST GIFT EVER.
AGAIN, THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH FOR YOUR PRAYERS, WELL-WISHES AND WORDS OF WISDOM. YOU, MY FRIENDS, ARE STANDING SHOULDER TO SHOULDER WITH ME AND WATCHING MY BACK WHILE I DO WHAT I MUST DO.
KEEPING THE FAITH...
WILL UPDATE.
AND I'LL BE BACK.
